I accidentally had phone sex last night
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
