At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
