You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
