wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
