So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
