So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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