Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
