WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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