Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
