Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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