i wish semen tasted like chocolate
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
