I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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