Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
