i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
