i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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