and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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