i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
