Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
