I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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