I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
