It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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