I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize