I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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