i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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