if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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