Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
