Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
