Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
