for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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