I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
