ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
