My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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