i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
