I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm really busy with my period
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
