so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
