Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
