The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's how pantless uber rides happen
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize