He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
