Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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