i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
