Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Duck Duck Cougar?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
