He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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