break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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