he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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