I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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