I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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