saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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