Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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