I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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