I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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