Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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