Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize