genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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