She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
