The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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