i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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