My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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