Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize