Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
