if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
