im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
