Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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