We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
