God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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